Report: Worst person at your festive dinner has feelings about cyclists

Report: Worst person at your festive dinner has feelings about cyclists

The festive cheer of a family gathering has been punctured by your drunk uncle airing his views about bikes, multiple sources allege. The ambience of the evening reportedly took a dive between turkey and dessert when your aunt’s husband, Travis Tucker Jr (69), looked you dead in the eye and said “listen, I just think that they should be paying registration.”

Tucker, who sources claim was emboldened by several pumpkin ales, appeared to misinterpret the curdled silence as permission to further share his stupid opinions.

“All those blokes are riding up and down the street two abreast like it’s the bloody Tour dee France,” Tucker drawled boozily. “If I was a cop I’d be throwing the book at them.”

Unperturbed by Aunt Jan’s gentle touch on his shoulder, Tucker – eyes gleaming beadily as he leaned in – landed his final blow. “And what’s with that leg shaving anyway?” he sneered, glancing around for approval. “It’s unnatural, that’s what it is!”

Sources allege that Tucker, a middle-manager at a car accessories wholesaler, leaned back in his chair smugly, oblivious to the nervous clink of cutlery as the extended family scrambled to restore a veneer of pleasantry. “Don’t worry about him, love,” Jan muttered to you under her breath. “We just saw a cyclist run a red light once and it sent him spiralling.”

Sitting to your right, your sibling’s new boyfriend – who competed in some charity triathlons in his younger years – tried to demonstrate his support for your lifestyle choices. “I went into a bike shop the other day, and tell ya what, they showed me this top-of-the-line fibreglass [sic] road bike,” he offered. “You could lift it with two fingers! Cost the same as a car!”

As the evening continued, your patient responses to a barrage of questions – ranging from whether you think “that little Slovakian fella” is doping to how they go to the toilet during a race – were met with the cautious curiosity shown to a cat that has brought a dead baby rabbit in.

Your assertions that riding is healthy, wholesome, good for the planet and brings you a sense of mental calm – unlike this family dinner – received an eyeroll from Tucker, who changed the subject with a boring story about a golf weekend he’d just been on with “The Boys”.

This is a developing story. More as we have it.